This is a super interesting concept I learned from the work of Dr. Barry McCarthy and his various co-authors (including his wife, Emily McCarthy). Dr. McCarthy is a professor emeritus of psychology and a diplomate in both clinical psychology and sex therapy, and has written lots of great books that I've read along my journey. You can check out his Blog on Psychology Today, and pick up any of his many books (some written for the lay person, and some for clinicians). Dr. McCarthy seems to write primarily about monogamous (and often, it seems, heterosexual, cisgender) couples, so not all of these concepts will fit as well for everyone, but feel free to make it your own. Take what works and leave the rest.
The idea here is that in a relationship that involves some degree of sexual touch, there is a whole wide array of touch we might enjoy with our partner/s. Unfortunately, in many relationships, especially over time, we tend to engage in just a few types of the touch available to us, and miss out on the wide variety of pleasurable touch we might access. Dr. McCarthy's work helps us consider the types of touch we might be missing out on, and helps us to bring more of a variety of touch into our relationships.
Dr. McCarthy describes the dimensions of touch as follows in his book, Enhancing Couple Sexuality (2019), co-written with his wife, Emily McCarthy:
Affectionate touch—this usually involves clothes-on touching, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing. Affectionate touch is not sexual, but it provides the foundation for intimate attachment. Subjective arousal is anchored at 1.
Sensual touch—this involves non-genital pleasuring which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or nude. Sensual touch includes a head, back, or foot rub; cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, a trust position where you feel safe and connected, cradling each other as you go to sleep or wake. Sensual touch is an integral part of couple sexuality. It has value in itself as well as a bridge to sexual desire at that time or later. Subjective arousal 1-3.
Playful touch—this intermixes genital pleasuring with non-genital touch (usually semi-clothed or nude). Playful touch can include touching in the shower or bath, full body massage, seductive or erotic dancing, games such as strip poker or Twister. What makes playful touch inviting is the enhanced sense of pleasure and unpredictability. Playful touch is valuable in itself and/or can serve as a bridge to sexual desire. Subjective arousal 4-5.
Erotic touch—Erotic, non-intercourse touch can include manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrator stimulation. Erotic scenarios and techniques are an integral part of couple sexuality providing a sense of vitality, creativity, and unpredictability. Erotic touch can be mutual or one-way. It can proceed to orgasm or transition to intercourse. Subjective arousal 6-10.
Intercourse touch—intercourse is a natural continuation of the pleasuring/eroticism process, not a pass-fail sex performance test. Transition to intercourse at high levels of erotic flow (7 or 8) and continue multiple stimulation during intercourse. Subjective arousal 7-10.
Dr. McCarthy's work indicates that over time, most couples primarily engage in Affectionate and Intercourse touch, and miss out on all of the gears in between. An interesting thing to consider, on your own or with your partner/s, is how much time are you spending in each of the types of touch? Are there types of touch you'd like to experience more of? Types of touch you'd like to put less focus on? Do you and your partner/s have different ideas about these things? I encourage you to give it some thought, and maybe use these ideas as a conversation starter with your partner/s if you'd like to bring more touch into your relationship, and want to get clearer on just what types of touch you and your partner/s would enjoy!
***I realize this model tends to reinforce the "escalator" model of thinking about a sexual encounter (i.e. sexual encounters should progress sequentially toward intercourse, privileging intercourse touch), and so I want to be clear that you can enjoy any of these types of touch mixed and matched in any order that feels good to you and your partner/s, and there is no "right" way to do your sex life as long as everyone involved is consenting, able to consent, and pleased to be there.
Stay tuned for my next Blog/s, in which we'll explore an antidote to the "escalator" model; the "circular model" of sex, as well as get into ideas about "upshifting/downshifting" and what "counts" as sex!